Aries: Your constant assertions that you can solve a rubik's cube are not only unproven, but also unsexy to the 23-year-olds you insist on hitting on. Welcome the 21st century, Dad.
Taurus: Today is the first day of the rest of your life... as the opposite sex. Hope winning that $300 bet was worth it.
Gemini: Your disappointment at catching that cold will be slightly tempered by your realization that cough syrup is an acceptable way to be stoned at work, without the usual hassle of having to hide it.
Cancer: The moon is in your fourth house of Rehab. Ignore it. We love that thing you do with the ping pong balls when you're drunk.
Leo: This Halloween, it may be time for a change. Your slutty devil costume has worked for you in the past, but in the past you weren't 8 months pregnant. Mazel Tov, by the way.
Virgo: Your sweet tooth will get you in trouble today, as you will be lured into a stranger's van with the promise of candy. A stranger who wants your sweet, sweet teeth.
Libra: The new receptionist is hot, but don't hit on her on the first day. Good things cum on those who wait.
Scorpio: The moon is in your ninth house of sexual harassment, and your secretary isn't going to inappropriately fondle herself.
Sagittarius: Sorry that new Capricorn booty call turned out to be a Jane Austen-reading vegan. Get over it and start hanging out at biker bars.
Capricorn: Your sign is sensitive, quiet and thoughtful, which is why girls don't want to have sex with you. But feel free to come over to watch Becoming Jane and drink herbal tea anytime.
Aquarius: U R 2 good 2 B 4-gotten. Which is why you are being text-stalked by the guy who sold you your cell phone. We sense that your moon is moving into your third house of Switch to Verizon.
Pisces: The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE. On the bright side, there is no longer any point to agonizing over what to be for Halloween.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Whoroscope for Monday, October 27th, 2008
Aries: Your work ethic is strong today, in that you are working hard to figure out how to secretly get porn on your work computer. Never give up, never surrender.
Taurus: Watching a scary movie is a great first date idea. Watching a scary movie, however, with someone who responds to bloody scenes with "That's not what that much blood looks like in real life" is a great last date.
Gemini: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This also applies to life giving you fat chicks.
Cancer: Halloween is quickly approaching, and your costume ideas are getting narrowed down. Some advice? The choice between naked cowboy and naked policeman isn't really a choice.
Leo: This Halloween, consider going to a bar instead of handing out treats. Because your John Wayne Gacy costume is really freaking out the neighbors.
Virgo: You are a mystery within a riddle, wrapped in an enigma. Wrapped in duct tape. That will teach you to cheat on your wife.
Libra: When your boyfriend asks you to put on something sexy, he doesn't mean that towel he keeps under his bed. Hey, if you don't know then we're not gonna tell you.
Scorpio: Being a 'slutty' anything for Halloween this year will just invite unwanted comparisons with how you dress the other 364 days a year.
Sagittarius: Watching porn and doing blow all weekend does not count as productive. Maybe try getting a job.
Capricorn: It doesn't matter what you go as for Halloween because everyone will be staring at your slut of a date. Aren't you glad you got back together with her? She's a slut is what I'm saying.
Aquarius: Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. This does not apply to Chlamydia.
Pisces: The moon is in your seventh house of Holiday Weight Gain. We know you've mapped out all the houses that give out full-size candy bars, but nobody loves a fatty.
Taurus: Watching a scary movie is a great first date idea. Watching a scary movie, however, with someone who responds to bloody scenes with "That's not what that much blood looks like in real life" is a great last date.
Gemini: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This also applies to life giving you fat chicks.
Cancer: Halloween is quickly approaching, and your costume ideas are getting narrowed down. Some advice? The choice between naked cowboy and naked policeman isn't really a choice.
Leo: This Halloween, consider going to a bar instead of handing out treats. Because your John Wayne Gacy costume is really freaking out the neighbors.
Virgo: You are a mystery within a riddle, wrapped in an enigma. Wrapped in duct tape. That will teach you to cheat on your wife.
Libra: When your boyfriend asks you to put on something sexy, he doesn't mean that towel he keeps under his bed. Hey, if you don't know then we're not gonna tell you.
Scorpio: Being a 'slutty' anything for Halloween this year will just invite unwanted comparisons with how you dress the other 364 days a year.
Sagittarius: Watching porn and doing blow all weekend does not count as productive. Maybe try getting a job.
Capricorn: It doesn't matter what you go as for Halloween because everyone will be staring at your slut of a date. Aren't you glad you got back together with her? She's a slut is what I'm saying.
Aquarius: Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. This does not apply to Chlamydia.
Pisces: The moon is in your seventh house of Holiday Weight Gain. We know you've mapped out all the houses that give out full-size candy bars, but nobody loves a fatty.
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