Aries: Your work ethic is strong today, in that you are working hard to figure out how to secretly get porn on your work computer. Never give up, never surrender.
Taurus: Watching a scary movie is a great first date idea. Watching a scary movie, however, with someone who responds to bloody scenes with "That's not what that much blood looks like in real life" is a great last date.
Gemini: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This also applies to life giving you fat chicks.
Cancer: Halloween is quickly approaching, and your costume ideas are getting narrowed down. Some advice? The choice between naked cowboy and naked policeman isn't really a choice.
Leo: This Halloween, consider going to a bar instead of handing out treats. Because your John Wayne Gacy costume is really freaking out the neighbors.
Virgo: You are a mystery within a riddle, wrapped in an enigma. Wrapped in duct tape. That will teach you to cheat on your wife.
Libra: When your boyfriend asks you to put on something sexy, he doesn't mean that towel he keeps under his bed. Hey, if you don't know then we're not gonna tell you.
Scorpio: Being a 'slutty' anything for Halloween this year will just invite unwanted comparisons with how you dress the other 364 days a year.
Sagittarius: Watching porn and doing blow all weekend does not count as productive. Maybe try getting a job.
Capricorn: It doesn't matter what you go as for Halloween because everyone will be staring at your slut of a date. Aren't you glad you got back together with her? She's a slut is what I'm saying.
Aquarius: Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. This does not apply to Chlamydia.
Pisces: The moon is in your seventh house of Holiday Weight Gain. We know you've mapped out all the houses that give out full-size candy bars, but nobody loves a fatty.
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