Aries: You think we're being jerks when we tell you to go jump in a lake; but to be fair, you are on fire. Hey, at least today won't be boring.
Taurus: Your family will look surprised when you bring home your new significant other for the holidays. Just ignore their bigotry. Blow-up dolls are people too.
Gemini: Just because you can pick your nose with your tongue, doesn’t mean you should..
Cancer: It’s been a long year, but that’s no reason to get drunk at Thanksgiving dinner and have relations with a bowl of sweet potatoes. You don’t need a reason to do that.
Leo: This Thanksgiving, when your hand is stuffed way up that turkey's ass, remember: some prostitutes don't like being called 'turkey.'
Virgo: The moon is in your seventh house of Over Sharing on the Internet. No good ever came of combining love for tequila with an interest in amateur porn. Wait, what are we saying?
Libra: On this day of giving thanks, remember to be grateful for everything you have. Especially that fallout shelter Grandpa built back in the 50's.
Scorpio: We’re sorry we forgot your birthday. Please accept this complimentary DVD we received with our latest mail order of lube.
Sagittarius: No, family gatherings are not the best place to "meet people." Put down the Bailey's and stop hitting on Aunt Irma.
Capricorn: You’ll take what we give you and love it. Because Capricorns are awesome like that.
Aquarius: Family parties always make you feel like kicking someone's ass. You know who deserves an ass kicking? Capricorn.
Pisces: The moon is in your sixth house of Forgot to Wear Clean Underwear, and if we've learned anything from our mothers, you just know you're going to end up at the hospital today. But don't worry, we foresee they won't be able to identify you, so you will at least avoid that embarrassment.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Whoroscope for Tuesday, November 18th 2008
Aries: Your shoes are untied. Because we used your shoelaces to secure you to that bedpost. See you tomorrow!
Taurus: Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. But it is your slutty reputation that keeps them there. So you can stop giving out free milkshakes.
Gemini: GThe grass is always greener on the other side... of the world. Where they might not find you.
Cancer: Thanksgiving is coming up, and you have so many things to be thankful for. Things like fake passports, the money to bribe government officials, and a small discreet fishing town in southern Mexico.
Leo: While sometimes your leonine nature is a good thing, we take issue with your attempt to bite the head off that pigeon. We are totally never letting you put that mouth on us again.
Virgo: It's better to have loved and lost... unless what you lost is a gerbil, and where you lost it requires a trip to the emergency room.
Libra: The fact that you are excited about your new culty religious group is mildly disquieting. But your assertion that Britney Spears is the new messiah should be evidence enough that the moon is in your house of Bat Shit Crazy Town.
Scorpio: Just because there’s no proposition against it doesn’t mean you should date your cat. Do we have to legislate everything for you, Scorpio?
Sagittarius: Venus is in your Seventh House of Cute Interns. You’re not the President, so go ahead – put the filing project in your pants. She’ll think it’s funny.
Capricorn: We thought we were just being unfairly biased against Capricorns, but it turns out that the horoscope writer for November's issue of RADAR magazine agrees: All Capricorns are despicable. Time to convert to Sagittarianism.
Aquarius: We would be nervous about the ten million dollar insurance policy she just put in place. We’re just saying, she’s 22 and hot, and, um… how do you not see where we are going with this?
Pisces: This holiday, give your family a break from your rampant veganism and just eat the damn turkey. Believe us, this bird had it coming.
Taurus: Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. But it is your slutty reputation that keeps them there. So you can stop giving out free milkshakes.
Gemini: GThe grass is always greener on the other side... of the world. Where they might not find you.
Cancer: Thanksgiving is coming up, and you have so many things to be thankful for. Things like fake passports, the money to bribe government officials, and a small discreet fishing town in southern Mexico.
Leo: While sometimes your leonine nature is a good thing, we take issue with your attempt to bite the head off that pigeon. We are totally never letting you put that mouth on us again.
Virgo: It's better to have loved and lost... unless what you lost is a gerbil, and where you lost it requires a trip to the emergency room.
Libra: The fact that you are excited about your new culty religious group is mildly disquieting. But your assertion that Britney Spears is the new messiah should be evidence enough that the moon is in your house of Bat Shit Crazy Town.
Scorpio: Just because there’s no proposition against it doesn’t mean you should date your cat. Do we have to legislate everything for you, Scorpio?
Sagittarius: Venus is in your Seventh House of Cute Interns. You’re not the President, so go ahead – put the filing project in your pants. She’ll think it’s funny.
Capricorn: We thought we were just being unfairly biased against Capricorns, but it turns out that the horoscope writer for November's issue of RADAR magazine agrees: All Capricorns are despicable. Time to convert to Sagittarianism.
Aquarius: We would be nervous about the ten million dollar insurance policy she just put in place. We’re just saying, she’s 22 and hot, and, um… how do you not see where we are going with this?
Pisces: This holiday, give your family a break from your rampant veganism and just eat the damn turkey. Believe us, this bird had it coming.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Weekend Whoroscopes
Aries: We have a hangover, so we foresee Advil in our future and venereal disease in yours. Sorry about that.
Taurus: You will meet a mysterious stranger who will drive you to distraction. Except by mysterious we mean wearing a tinfoil suit, and by distraction we mean a cornfield in Iowa.
Gemini: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride: at least, that's what your best friend used to say. Until you ran off with her groom. That'll teach her to make you wear neon taffeta.
Cancer: Your good looks and charm are exceeded only by my good looks and charm.
Leo: You will have an unexpected encounter with a new potential love interest today, when you call customer service about your faulty sex toy, and realize seven minutes later that you have the wrong number.
Virgo: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a day also. Because he's allergic to fish, so either way he's dead. Nice work, asshole.
Libra: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? I mean, more than the S&M did
Scorpio: It is better to give than to receive. Oh wait - no, it's not.
Sagittarius: A picture is worth a thousand words. The question is, how much do you think that it's worth in dollars? Considering that your wife probably doesn't know about your trips to the Bunny Ranch.
Capricorn: You were hoping we were over it, but it turns out we're not. Fuck you and your womanizing ways, Capricorn. Our new boyfriend is better in bed than you. And your forehead is gigantic.
Aquarius: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but not when it comes to porn.
Pisces: You can't have someone arrested as a peeping tom if you're charging admission. Don't worry, ingesting that much whipped cream would mess with anyone's logic.
**we apologize for the lack of whoroscopes over the past week. we had better things to do. but we're back now. until the next time we decide to leave. sorry if that triggers your daddy issues.**
Taurus: You will meet a mysterious stranger who will drive you to distraction. Except by mysterious we mean wearing a tinfoil suit, and by distraction we mean a cornfield in Iowa.
Gemini: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride: at least, that's what your best friend used to say. Until you ran off with her groom. That'll teach her to make you wear neon taffeta.
Cancer: Your good looks and charm are exceeded only by my good looks and charm.
Leo: You will have an unexpected encounter with a new potential love interest today, when you call customer service about your faulty sex toy, and realize seven minutes later that you have the wrong number.
Virgo: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a day also. Because he's allergic to fish, so either way he's dead. Nice work, asshole.
Libra: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? I mean, more than the S&M did
Scorpio: It is better to give than to receive. Oh wait - no, it's not.
Sagittarius: A picture is worth a thousand words. The question is, how much do you think that it's worth in dollars? Considering that your wife probably doesn't know about your trips to the Bunny Ranch.
Capricorn: You were hoping we were over it, but it turns out we're not. Fuck you and your womanizing ways, Capricorn. Our new boyfriend is better in bed than you. And your forehead is gigantic.
Aquarius: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but not when it comes to porn.
Pisces: You can't have someone arrested as a peeping tom if you're charging admission. Don't worry, ingesting that much whipped cream would mess with anyone's logic.
**we apologize for the lack of whoroscopes over the past week. we had better things to do. but we're back now. until the next time we decide to leave. sorry if that triggers your daddy issues.**
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Whoroscope for Thursday, November 06, 2008
Aries: The moon is in your eighth house of sexy blondes. But we're not quite convinced that your down-there hair dye purchase was a good idea.
Taurus: I lost my phone number, can I have yours? Just kidding. After we sleep together there's very little chance that I'll call.
Gemini: There must be a mirror in your pocket, because we can see ourselves in your pants. But mostly we just think you're slutty.
Cancer: Your one-night stand after Obama's victory was inevitable And soon, you will in a sense be able to use the term Obama Baby Mama, so good work immortalizing this historic event.
Leo: Militant Mars is in alignment with the moon, and we suggest “Drill Sergeant and Rebellious Recruit” if you’re into that.
Virgo: I wish that I had Jesse's girl. Because Jesse says she's really into backdoor action.
Libra: Today you may find yourself in the middle of a love triangle. Wear something weatherproof, and try to sneak out before the three of them see you.
Scorpio: You voted for who? Sorry to have to tell you this, but that's because the syphilis has moved to your brain.
Sagittarius: You may think you're hot shit since taking up yoga, but you're still not as hot as us. At least, that's what your boyfriend tells us.
Capricorn: Take tomorrow off. Trust us. No one looks good in six pounds of bacon grease.
Aquarius: We applaud your desire to keep the election spirit going, but we think you should take off the Obama underpants already. It's been 9 months.
Pisces: Everyone is telling you to go green, and we know that can be confusing. But we guarantee that not one of them is talking about alien porn.
Taurus: I lost my phone number, can I have yours? Just kidding. After we sleep together there's very little chance that I'll call.
Gemini: There must be a mirror in your pocket, because we can see ourselves in your pants. But mostly we just think you're slutty.
Cancer: Your one-night stand after Obama's victory was inevitable And soon, you will in a sense be able to use the term Obama Baby Mama, so good work immortalizing this historic event.
Leo: Militant Mars is in alignment with the moon, and we suggest “Drill Sergeant and Rebellious Recruit” if you’re into that.
Virgo: I wish that I had Jesse's girl. Because Jesse says she's really into backdoor action.
Libra: Today you may find yourself in the middle of a love triangle. Wear something weatherproof, and try to sneak out before the three of them see you.
Scorpio: You voted for who? Sorry to have to tell you this, but that's because the syphilis has moved to your brain.
Sagittarius: You may think you're hot shit since taking up yoga, but you're still not as hot as us. At least, that's what your boyfriend tells us.
Capricorn: Take tomorrow off. Trust us. No one looks good in six pounds of bacon grease.
Aquarius: We applaud your desire to keep the election spirit going, but we think you should take off the Obama underpants already. It's been 9 months.
Pisces: Everyone is telling you to go green, and we know that can be confusing. But we guarantee that not one of them is talking about alien porn.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
November 4th, 2008
Aries: It’s election day. In your pants.
Taurus: We totally respect your attempt at voting booth sex. Too bad your ass + the lever = accidentally voting for McCain.
Gemini: We’d do Sarah Palin, but she’s just too easy. To make fun of, you pervert.
Cancer: Voting for McCain is like sleeping with an old guy. Confusing, a little smelly and your friends will never let you forget it.
Leo: You think that Joe Biden’s sexy, and that’s OK. What’s not OK is naming your vibrator the Bidenator.
Virgo: We know you’re excited about your relationship, but it’s not going to work out. Because you’re a Democrat and they’re a retarded monkey.
Libra: Dating a Republican is OK, but remember, that baby will eventually be born. Have fun raising the next generation of mavericks.
Scorpio: A vote for McCain means you’re voting for everyone McCain voted for. Get it? Because McCain is like a sexually transmitted disease.
Sagittarius: We know you hate Bush. But come on, get down there already.
Capricorn: Voting for Obama is like sleeping with a black guy. Satisfying, a little scary and may piss off your grandparents
Aquarius: Making fun of Obama makes you racist. Making fun of McCain will get you laid.
Pisces: You might have the wrong idea about the term “political party”. Never mind, keep the red and blue jello shots coming.
Aries: It’s election day. In your pants.
Taurus: We totally respect your attempt at voting booth sex. Too bad your ass + the lever = accidentally voting for McCain.
Gemini: We’d do Sarah Palin, but she’s just too easy. To make fun of, you pervert.
Cancer: Voting for McCain is like sleeping with an old guy. Confusing, a little smelly and your friends will never let you forget it.
Leo: You think that Joe Biden’s sexy, and that’s OK. What’s not OK is naming your vibrator the Bidenator.
Virgo: We know you’re excited about your relationship, but it’s not going to work out. Because you’re a Democrat and they’re a retarded monkey.
Libra: Dating a Republican is OK, but remember, that baby will eventually be born. Have fun raising the next generation of mavericks.
Scorpio: A vote for McCain means you’re voting for everyone McCain voted for. Get it? Because McCain is like a sexually transmitted disease.
Sagittarius: We know you hate Bush. But come on, get down there already.
Capricorn: Voting for Obama is like sleeping with a black guy. Satisfying, a little scary and may piss off your grandparents
Aquarius: Making fun of Obama makes you racist. Making fun of McCain will get you laid.
Pisces: You might have the wrong idea about the term “political party”. Never mind, keep the red and blue jello shots coming.
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