Aries: Your constant assertions that you can solve a rubik's cube are not only unproven, but also unsexy to the 23-year-olds you insist on hitting on. Welcome the 21st century, Dad.
Taurus: Today is the first day of the rest of your life... as the opposite sex. Hope winning that $300 bet was worth it.
Gemini: Your disappointment at catching that cold will be slightly tempered by your realization that cough syrup is an acceptable way to be stoned at work, without the usual hassle of having to hide it.
Cancer: The moon is in your fourth house of Rehab. Ignore it. We love that thing you do with the ping pong balls when you're drunk.
Leo: This Halloween, it may be time for a change. Your slutty devil costume has worked for you in the past, but in the past you weren't 8 months pregnant. Mazel Tov, by the way.
Virgo: Your sweet tooth will get you in trouble today, as you will be lured into a stranger's van with the promise of candy. A stranger who wants your sweet, sweet teeth.
Libra: The new receptionist is hot, but don't hit on her on the first day. Good things cum on those who wait.
Scorpio: The moon is in your ninth house of sexual harassment, and your secretary isn't going to inappropriately fondle herself.
Sagittarius: Sorry that new Capricorn booty call turned out to be a Jane Austen-reading vegan. Get over it and start hanging out at biker bars.
Capricorn: Your sign is sensitive, quiet and thoughtful, which is why girls don't want to have sex with you. But feel free to come over to watch Becoming Jane and drink herbal tea anytime.
Aquarius: U R 2 good 2 B 4-gotten. Which is why you are being text-stalked by the guy who sold you your cell phone. We sense that your moon is moving into your third house of Switch to Verizon.
Pisces: The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE. On the bright side, there is no longer any point to agonizing over what to be for Halloween.
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