Aries: Your shoes are untied. Because we used your shoelaces to secure you to that bedpost. See you tomorrow!
Taurus: Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. But it is your slutty reputation that keeps them there. So you can stop giving out free milkshakes.
Gemini: GThe grass is always greener on the other side... of the world. Where they might not find you.
Cancer: Thanksgiving is coming up, and you have so many things to be thankful for. Things like fake passports, the money to bribe government officials, and a small discreet fishing town in southern Mexico.
Leo: While sometimes your leonine nature is a good thing, we take issue with your attempt to bite the head off that pigeon. We are totally never letting you put that mouth on us again.
Virgo: It's better to have loved and lost... unless what you lost is a gerbil, and where you lost it requires a trip to the emergency room.
Libra: The fact that you are excited about your new culty religious group is mildly disquieting. But your assertion that Britney Spears is the new messiah should be evidence enough that the moon is in your house of Bat Shit Crazy Town.
Scorpio: Just because there’s no proposition against it doesn’t mean you should date your cat. Do we have to legislate everything for you, Scorpio?
Sagittarius: Venus is in your Seventh House of Cute Interns. You’re not the President, so go ahead – put the filing project in your pants. She’ll think it’s funny.
Capricorn: We thought we were just being unfairly biased against Capricorns, but it turns out that the horoscope writer for November's issue of RADAR magazine agrees: All Capricorns are despicable. Time to convert to Sagittarianism.
Aquarius: We would be nervous about the ten million dollar insurance policy she just put in place. We’re just saying, she’s 22 and hot, and, um… how do you not see where we are going with this?
Pisces: This holiday, give your family a break from your rampant veganism and just eat the damn turkey. Believe us, this bird had it coming.
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