Aries: The moon is in your eighth house of sexy blondes. But we're not quite convinced that your down-there hair dye purchase was a good idea.
Taurus: I lost my phone number, can I have yours? Just kidding. After we sleep together there's very little chance that I'll call.
Gemini: There must be a mirror in your pocket, because we can see ourselves in your pants. But mostly we just think you're slutty.
Cancer: Your one-night stand after Obama's victory was inevitable And soon, you will in a sense be able to use the term Obama Baby Mama, so good work immortalizing this historic event.
Leo: Militant Mars is in alignment with the moon, and we suggest “Drill Sergeant and Rebellious Recruit” if you’re into that.
Virgo: I wish that I had Jesse's girl. Because Jesse says she's really into backdoor action.
Libra: Today you may find yourself in the middle of a love triangle. Wear something weatherproof, and try to sneak out before the three of them see you.
Scorpio: You voted for who? Sorry to have to tell you this, but that's because the syphilis has moved to your brain.
Sagittarius: You may think you're hot shit since taking up yoga, but you're still not as hot as us. At least, that's what your boyfriend tells us.
Capricorn: Take tomorrow off. Trust us. No one looks good in six pounds of bacon grease.
Aquarius: We applaud your desire to keep the election spirit going, but we think you should take off the Obama underpants already. It's been 9 months.
Pisces: Everyone is telling you to go green, and we know that can be confusing. But we guarantee that not one of them is talking about alien porn.
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