Weekend Whoroscopes

Aries: We have a hangover, so we foresee Advil in our future and venereal disease in yours. Sorry about that.

Taurus: You will meet a mysterious stranger who will drive you to distraction. Except by mysterious we mean wearing a tinfoil suit, and by distraction we mean a cornfield in Iowa.

Gemini: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride: at least, that's what your best friend used to say. Until you ran off with her groom. That'll teach her to make you wear neon taffeta.

Cancer: Your good looks and charm are exceeded only by my good looks and charm.

Leo: You will have an unexpected encounter with a new potential love interest today, when you call customer service about your faulty sex toy, and realize seven minutes later that you have the wrong number.

Virgo: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a day also. Because he's allergic to fish, so either way he's dead. Nice work, asshole.

Libra: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? I mean, more than the S&M did

Scorpio: It is better to give than to receive. Oh wait - no, it's not.

Sagittarius: A picture is worth a thousand words. The question is, how much do you think that it's worth in dollars? Considering that your wife probably doesn't know about your trips to the Bunny Ranch.

Capricorn: You were hoping we were over it, but it turns out we're not. Fuck you and your womanizing ways, Capricorn. Our new boyfriend is better in bed than you. And your forehead is gigantic.

Aquarius: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but not when it comes to porn.

Pisces: You can't have someone arrested as a peeping tom if you're charging admission. Don't worry, ingesting that much whipped cream would mess with anyone's logic.

**we apologize for the lack of whoroscopes over the past week. we had better things to do. but we're back now. until the next time we decide to leave. sorry if that triggers your daddy issues.**